Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.