My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.