My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.