My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
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Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer