My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
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Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
We need more people like this.
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Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
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Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat