my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
You Might Also Like
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.