my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
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*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8