my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
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Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Sharon I have some bad news
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.