my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
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Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering