Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.