My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
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I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
That’s commitment
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!