My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
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It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.