My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
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To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”