My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel