Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

LA today:

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.