Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me: