My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.