My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
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My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.