My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
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*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…