My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.