My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
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Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
a lot to unpack here
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I put the mess in domestic.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad