My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
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netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay