My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
You Might Also Like
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
sir, my pâté if you please
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.