Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*