My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
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them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney