Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro