Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*