My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.