My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Pickled cat.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure