My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
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Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Girl, same.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity