My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Sunday
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.