My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
If you start a sentence off with…
“At my last job…”
We all wish you still worked there
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
584.
