My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
12653.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?