My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
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Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
