Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

I am going to be nice from now on. Yes, I will be nice.

Right after this exorcism?
I will be nice.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.