my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
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I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Saw this yesterday lol
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
The legends were true
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .