my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill