My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
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my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”