My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.