My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
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Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Leaving the Barbers like
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.