Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.