Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know