my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?