my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
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Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My love language is deader than Latin
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.