My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
You Might Also Like
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall