My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
