Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

A dad and his duck

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that