My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
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Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program