Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Dumplings,

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.