My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.