My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Good for him.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Yes my dude
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.