My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
who wore it better?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers