Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

Owl Sanctuary

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: