My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!