Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

Can’t, holding a grudge

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.