Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Emma is smarter than all of us.

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.