My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
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If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
jesus christ confetti not now
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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