My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time