My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
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Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
The struggle is real
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.