My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
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[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I hate my earbuds.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
i actually laughed 😩
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea