My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
