Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

I thought this was funny lol

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.