My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.

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It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.


*picks up beef bouillon

*decides against it

*puts it down

*picks up chicken bouillon

*nods confidently

– stock exchange


DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*


My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock


[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift


If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.


EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters


(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.


Relationship status: looking for a woman whose family would pay me $1mil to disappear and not contact her anymore…