Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.
You Might Also Like
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn’t get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren’t dangerous. And I knew how to surf.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Teenagers are just human karma.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???