My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.

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How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.


“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.


Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]

Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.


“you said you were 5 min away”

me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..


Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.


True embarrassment lies within your first email address


🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?


cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest