It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.
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*picks up beef bouillon
*decides against it
*puts it down
*picks up chicken bouillon
– stock exchange
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Relationship status: looking for a woman whose family would pay me $1mil to disappear and not contact her anymore…