My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.

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hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register


ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?


Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.


Shoutout to all the introverts! Hey! Where’re you going?!! Come here!


My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.


*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*throws another
*throws another
*throws another
Burglar: WTF


When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.