How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.
My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
“you said you were 5 min away”
me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶
Me: cool, where?
🎶To the east side.🎵
Me: a house?
🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶
Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest