@Awesomemom10

My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.

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@ObscureGent

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

@JohnHilsen

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

@AGreaterMonster

I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn’t get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren’t dangerous. And I knew how to surf.

@YoungNobler

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

@ksujulie

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

@david8hughes

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

@KattWillliams

Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can’t afford to eat for a month.

@ElizaBayne

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???