Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.