Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Voting is the worst group project

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]