My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
You Might Also Like
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
こいつ天才
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I might give this a try 😏
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.