My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Breaking news:
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.