Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

here we go again

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?