My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.