My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Who says great literature is dead?
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe