My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
💻🤡
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
The Others (2001)
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.