My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Cinematography is my passion
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation