My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
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me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I feel attacked.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan