Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Husband of the year 😂

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels