My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Good morning ☺️
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
i made a craigslist ad !
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
