Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

My neck, my back, my…

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*